I've just returned from the Desert of Joshua Tree and my last 3 classes in Shamanic Energy Medicine with The Four Winds. The gratitude I have for the gifts of these teachings is beyond words. It is my heart's deepest longing to share these gifts in whatever ways I can and to do so I must live the medicine. To walk this path in beauty is to awaken each moment to what is possible, not what is likely. To see through the eyes of the heart is to view life as a great journey, seeking the gifts and honoring the opportunities to create an ever expanding map.
The very first thing we were taught in school is that when we call Spirit, Spirit shows up and when Spirit calls us, we must show up. This call and response of guidance and service gives birth to a presence that is both inquisitive and full of trust. Its the way I always wanted to know Spirit/ God/ Universe, as The Friend (to borrow the language of the sufi poets). We learn that when we are in ayni (right relationship) the universe conspires on our behalf. It is a reciprical relationship, intimate and without mediation.
There have been times when I've fallen out of right relationship and forgotten to ask for guidance. I've gotten caught in a busy pattern and forgotten to ask and to listen. I was in that place before heading to this last course. I was also a few weeks pregnant. I remember the feeling of self doubt I had when the first day of class began. I was tired and felt blocked, stuck in my right brain. As we started to journey, I noticed the voice of doubt interfering with my tracking. My teacher reminded me that doubt is a way of disconnecting from Spirit. "Call on the lineage, call on Spirit and trust your tracking". Ok, I thought. Here is my opportunity. Honor the voice and release the doubt to Spirit. Drop inside and and begin again. Step in fully and let the nectar drop.
The next day we created an ayni despacho ceremony with the Quero healer, Pasqualito. As he placed the offering of fruits, herbs, red and white flowers in the shape of a heart to honor the masculine and feminine, pachamama, the mountains and the stars we all blew our prayers for our familes, our work and love into the three leave quinto and approached Pasqual one by one to offer our prayers and receive a blessing. He blessed each of our three power centers and as he touched my belly I felt my moon come immediately. I knew right away that I was not yet in right relationship with becoming a mother. After all our prayers had been offered my teacher asked if anyone would like to take the cup of red wine (representing the blood of the mother) out to the earth to offer the wine and a prayer to pachamama. I got the opportunity to go directly to the earth with a offering and as I poured the wine into pachamama's great belly I offered her my sadness at losing the child and my great joy and gratitude that I now knew I wanted to cross the ocean into motherhood. As I honored Her and sung to Her, I felt the flush of deep love that comes from remembering how sweetly we are held by The Great Mother. When I returned to my allyu (sacred community) with an empty cup, I felt the awesome power of ceremony and gave thanks to each being for their perfect part in it.
On the starlit walk through the desert back to my room, I dropped into my heart and asked Spirit to show me how to come into ayni with motherhood. The stars asked me to look up and listen to their song. I stood still and the message dropped in. I could feel that the kind of mother I want to be is one who lives in hummingbird, drinking deeply from the nectar that comes in the asking, a mother who honors earth and sky as her parents.
To Trust that Spirit is always here, there and everywhere always ready to guide is to show up for the miracles, opportunities and synchronisities in life. Living life in beauty and being available to the gifts is truly as simple as showing up and asking. It does require the radical presence to drop in, slow down and listen to the body and honor what comes. Show me, teach me, show me. I am here, Spirit. I am yours.
Thank You Thank You Thank You. Aho.